Tough.

I’m so tough.

Nobody sees me when I break.
I’m so tough.
I might as well be invincible.
Or invisible.
I’m so tough.
You’ll never get the best of me.
At least, you’ll never know it.
I’m so tough.
I don’t need tears or heartache.

I don’t need you.

I’m so tough it’s tearing me apart inside.

 

Paper Dinosaurs

I layed on my bed with the notebook sprawled open across my lap. I was playing aimlessly with the fringes I had torn from it’s binding, wadding the scraps together. I laughed and remarked on how I was making paper dinosaurs as that’s what they looked like to me.

There’s never been anything typical about us.
You know my secrets and I think you hung the moon. We laugh together and talk about the adventures we’ll have when we see each other again. I’ve known you so long we’ve become perfect friends, I see you so little we could almost be perfect strangers. But every time I get a moment with you, it’s just like nothing has changed. It’s like days and months and sometimes even a year haven’t happened, like time froze while we were 1500 miles apart.

Until today, now every moment will change. Every time I see you will be different, every time we talk the words will be stranger then before, the letters loosely stringing themselves together to create fumbled words that will settle on the surface. Yes, everything is different now.

I couldn’t understand why you did what you did, until I too had to do it. I thought you were selfish and it made me bitter, confused, and hurt. But you weren’t, were you? Everything you did was for me, so I could grow and live and experience life away from you. And without that experience, I don’t think I could have found the strength to face this trial now.

I wanted to hold on to you so tightly because I was terrified of letting go. I just thought that maybe if I could pretend I didn’t feel the way I do, I could fool myself into making it go away. That I could care for you selflessly, instead of selfishly. But the four letter difference in those words, makes all the difference. And now here we are.

I had to let you go because I had to do what’s best for you. I had to clench my teeth to hold in the tears as I told you this is good-bye. For today, and tomorrow and next week, and God forbid, maybe forever. I had to rip out my heart to lay it on an alter of consuming fire, to let the one who loves me most know, that no price is too great.

I once heard a line in a song that explains this all so much better- you mean more to me then being with you. You always have, you always will. So as we sat there in silence, there were only a few words that made any sense.

“I can’t take it back and you can’t make it better.”

And we hung up.

Were there once paper dinosaurs there were now just three separate shreds of paper. There would never be paper dinosaurs again, everything is different now.

 

A year ago…

It’s funny to think back to a year ago…
I lived with entirely different roommates.
I attended a church I didn’t like.
I was a very different girl.
I was applying to work in Seattle for the summer.
I was also moving rooms to have a new roommate in the spring.
I was getting ready to go home for a month for Christmas.
I was dating a boy a who would break my heart, piece it back together, become my best friend, break my heart all over again…and stumble in and out of my life over, and over and over.

It’s funny, really, to think about… the way we fall for the ones who seem the worst for us. But they’re the ones we can’t forget…the ones who hold on tightly without ever knowing it. I always loved the idea of you but never rationed that it would come to this. I always loved the thought of what could be but never figured there would be so many strings. So many questions. So many moments.

It’s crazy the way we fall. The way we justify every action. The way we craft motives to be near someone, even if they never see us.
But you still see me just like I still see you… in a battle fought, a word spoken, a memory recalled, a dream occured, a tear shed. You are very much so there with me. I feel one day I may escape this…one day, yes you will too.

 

Here’s to…

Laughing until you cry
Playing in the rain
Growing up, without getting old
Dreaming big
Giving all for what you believe in
Living with passion
The color pink, high heels, and being a woman
Believing in the best in people
Sacrifice in the name of love & justice
Good friends, good food, good nights
Hot chocolate on snowy nights
Coming home to family
Leaving home for adventure
A life well lived, a story well told
Dancing because you can
The little things that make it all worthwhile
Change
Taking too many pictures
A cup of coffee shared with old friends
Million star nights
A love that defies all odds

Hope.

 

From Broken to Beautiful: Old Friends

Part Four: Old Friends

I love this coffee shop. It was just one of the few thoughts that passed through my mind as Chris and I made our way across the city square to Black and Brew. The night was beginning to chill but not enough to be cold- not just yet. I hadn’t spent much time with Chris lately and was looking forward to the chance to catch up. City streets illuminate with Christmas lights, a nip of winter so close you could almost taste it- it was definitely a coffee night.

Black and Brew was quiet as we ordered and found a cozy table for two. We laughed and shared like old friends as that is just what we were. It’s funny to think about really, how we had grown to be old friends who caught up over coffee. A year and a half ago we were almost dating, six months ago we spoke for the first time in nearly six months, and today we were old friends. We talked about school and life and what the next few months held for us. We laughed at times past and from a distance both quietly wondered about what might have been. He would reach across the table to play with my keys, I would look deeply into my cup and twirl the stir stick. Never was it said, never will it need to be.

As conversations so often do, very soon the topic turned to our dating lives. He asked about mine, I talked about the same boy I always do. I related a tale of heartbreak, confusion and hope. He shared a story of nearly the same. And in the midst of it all without even knowing, we let ourselves get swept away into the face of God, wondering aloud how He sees all this.

It was in that conversation that I found the love I had so deeply longed for.

My attention was focused across the table when the whisper caught me off gaurd.

“I want you, I want all of you.”

I sat back, a little confused. No, it wasn’t Chris speaking to me. It wasn’t even something I had audibly heard.  My maker was speaking… I closed my eyes and took a deep breath…
I could hear the words over and over and over… until all I could do was respond.

“You do, don’t you Lord? You really want all of me. You want to show me fulfillment I could never find in a guy, a love I never thought I deserved. I’ve failed to see this until now. Wow, you want me, all of me.”

And just like I sat there sharing coffee with an old friend, I began a journey all over again of sharing love with another old friend I had missed so dearly.

 

From Broken to Beautiful: California

Part Three: California

 

Of all the days I wish I could tell you about, it’d be today. I’d tell you about my lunch with Blake. It was like a dream—meeting the guy who started Toms Shoes. You’d love the story because you know how much it means to me—or at least that’s what I’d like to believe. Of course you love Toms too so that would be part of it. I imagine you’d listen to my excitements and frustrations and crazy ideas. Like how I want to drop out of school and to travel the country putting on painting parties or move to California to become an intern. You of course would probably challenge me with that line like you always do, ya know, “do it, you won’t.” But we both know that was mine to begin with and it stopped working on me ages ago. And when I had finished and all my thoughts were painted before you, you’d bring me back down to earth just like you always do.

Yes, one of the most important days of my life, and you weren’t there.

 

 

From Broken to Beautiful: Winter & Spring

Part 2: Winter & Spring

           

Thursday, oh Thursday. Yesterday hurt, but not quite as much as Tuesday; and Tuesday, not quite as much as Monday. Each day is better then the last as anger gives way to sorrow and sorrow to silence. Even these ponderings of my heart will eventually give way to something else, springing forth a tiny seed of peace. Then, that seed, nurtured and tended by my heavenly father, will little by little grow. Never will I understand this process of healing, but how grateful am I that it exists- grateful for the knowledge that healing doesn’t mean forgetting but forgiving and that good-byes, whether temporary or forever, sting with a pain that last only a season. That, in that season, that winter, we may cling to the hope that spring is just around the bend.

            Today, I found hope.

 

 

From Broken to Beautiful: I Am

[[This is for the wounded soul.]]

Part 1: I am

The sun is shining through open windows and music blares across the speakers. Sunglasses on my face, bare feet on the dashboard, and my hand gliding through the highway air- I am 21 years old and I feel alive.

            I enjoy riding most when Andrew drives. This is his playground and I feel safe. The atv glides around corners, spewing dirt every which way. Myles remarks on the people following us and together we all laugh. Occasionally Andrew gets a rush and we go speeding head on into a dip in the road, sending cool water and mud in every direction and covering the three of us head to toe. I am free.

            I took a weekend to heal, to leave you behind. But even after I turned off my phone I still checked four times to see if you had called. Today though, I will let you go. Sitting beside the lake I am still. My soul rests in the sanctuary of this place. If I cry for you, it will only be one tear- enough to say this is really goodbye. Today I will leave you with a gift, wanting nothing in return. Not your friendship, not your love, not even your gratitude. I am relieved.

            There is an interesting dynamic in being here; so many memories to recall and still a future unbound by possibilities. It is a place to look back and laugh, to look forward and dream. Here my heart can mend, even forgive. Here it is safe, if only for a moment. I am at peace.

            I hope I can come back to this place someday when I am old. I hope I can run my fingers through dust and ash and reminisce on days filled with joy and evenings encompassed by worship. I hope I can wade into the lake and marvel at fears overcome, adventures endured. I hope for a moment I feel 21 and alive. I hope I will return having changed the world, found a love that defied destiny and still looks forward to a future uncharted. I am hopeful.
           For if the greatest tragedy is a man lives only to die, give me a heart that knows only how to live

 

Strangers?

Chances are some of you will read this, think i’m crazy and then ignore it.

But… maybe some of you won’t.. and that’s what I’m aiming for.

How many of you can honestly say you know every single person and keep in touch with them on a frequent basis that you’re friends with on online
Wait, what is that? None of you? Yea.. didn’t think so.
Chances are there are at least a few people-probably from your past- that you have added on here and really the only contact you have with that person is your few comments. Admit it, I’m right.

Well, the truth is I too have those people in my life.
One is Evan. Evan is a youth pastor from Illinois who I see, along with his wife Katie, usually once a year at camp… sometimes more if we run in at youth convention or something of the sort.

Today I got on facebook and Evan had an interesting update about being at the bank about a counter-offer and had a link with it. So I clicked it. And discovered he and Katie were on a mission to buy a house. And with it, a simple appeal. 2500 people, a donation of $2 a piece= $5000 and a house they more then deserve.

Sure, you don’t know Evan and Katie. But these people have dedicated their lives to loving on students and reaching out to them. If ever two people have been deserving of something like this, they are. So maybe you will never know that personally… but what’s it going to cost you to be able to in ways you can’t imagine bless two people?

We talk about loving people practically. We talk about meeting needs and caring for people… here’s a chance to really kind of anonymously do just that.

Check out the link.. think about it….

“All the believers were one in heart and mind. No one claimed that any of his possessions was his own, but they shared everything they had. With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much grace was upon them all. There were no needy persons among them.” Acts 4:32-33

This is a chance for us to not be such strangers after all….

http://evancourtney.blogspot.com/2008/04/two-dollar-house-challenge.html

 

The 5 C’s: Consistency

So I’m going to divulge some ongoing thoughts here.. and slowly bring them all back in together. (Since I don’t have time to hit all of them now…)

I was thinking the other day about things people need. I’m looking around my campus and my city and I’m just watching people doing life. And as my mind gets going, I start listing them…

The 5 C’s..
Community
Consistency
Committment
Courage
Communication

I look at these five things and in some way or another, I believe I can relate them back as things every single person needs. Essentially, the five required c’s of life.

Let me start with consistency.

Just last week I was talking with a friend about my crazy life and in jest I remarked how I’m beginning to wonder if I truly even know what normal is anymore.
It’s funny how often I think about this. We all do. It’s as if every day is an attempt on our behalf, against greater odds, to achieve “normal.”
Think about it this way… Chances are if you’re a coffee drinker (I sincerely mean real coffee drinkers) you have an addiction to one famous coffee chain or another… be it Starbucks, Seattle’s Best, Dunkin’ Donuts- you pick. Now think about your loyalty to that establishment. How often do you go? Once a week, once a month… twice a week… twice a day? Chances are there are quite a few of you out there that that visit happens almost daily. In fact, for some it’s probably become part of your “normal” morning routine. And what do you get when you go into that store? A different drink every time? A varying degree of drinks depending on the morning’s mood? Or is there a certain drink… you’re drink… that always comes out for you? (Chances are there are a few of you “regulars” who don’t even have to open your mouth before that drink is underway by faithful employees who know you by name, drink and arrival time)

See where I’m going with this?

Or maybe you’re “that jogger” who does three miles every morning. (More power to those of you who can accomplish that… you have my deepest respect.) Or you’re “that customer” in the lunch line at the local sandwhich shop.  Or “that member” at the local gym.

Whatever your objection be, chances are you’re life radiates consistency.

I have several friends who work at Starbucks. I love from time to time to just watch them get caught up in their stories about their “regulars.” The same people, showing up at the same time, on the same days (usually daily), for the same drink. I refer back to the coffee concept to say this…. no, not that coffee should be a “c” on our list but the coffee theory just proves the consistency idea to a greater degree… That is, no matter how chaotic a person’s life may be between being a busy professional starting the day with a grande, triple shot latte or to that of a soccer mom on the going who’s been up since five am to dress the family- we all long for some type of consistency.. whether we find that in our coffee or our work-out routine… we cling to that which in some way brings us back to that small place we call “normal.”

Don’t believe me? Try taking the most consistent part of your life out for a week. (No, not jobs or classes- you can’t really just cut those) It’s the same idea of people who go on vacation and come back needing a vacation because they were so busy trying to do it all. They tend to be the people who are always busy and can’t live without that same chaos- even on vacation. I think that by cutting out your small addiction, you’ll find I’m a little close then you care to admit.

Think about it..