Thursday December 17, 2009.
I can hardly believe I’ve been a college graduate for six days now and four of those I’ve spent working. This past week, well- make that my past two weeks, have been a whirlwind. I can still remember being a freshman and thinking this time would never come. Let alone I couldn’t imagine that in seven days I would not just have a new job, and a diploma, I’d also be moved into my new apartment and starting full time 2 short days after crossing the stage. It had all started on Monday when I got the call. I couldn’t believe they had made up their mind so fast. I had only interviewed on Thursday and done my testing Saturday morning. There was no way they could have made a decision so quickly. But by 9:40 Monday morning I had gotten the call that would change everything. I had less then 6 hours to accept. I finally did that afternoon and things only began to spin faster from there. That week I was torn between finishing finals and packing as I hurried to move everything into the apartment by Wednesday night. Class ended for me Thursday night and Friday morning was met by graduation practice, cleaning and then family all evening. Saturday happened even faster. Before I could breathe I was walking across a stage, shaking hands and getting my diploma- 3 and a half years of hard work came down to one thought: don’t trip. And just like that, it was over. I took lots of pictures, I hugged lots of people, I saw all I could see, and then I left. No tears, no heartbreak. I was simply, done. The next two days were filled with family and friends. A few good-byes, but mostly I’ll see you later. After all, I was staying.
I started my new job Monday morning. Exactly a week after I had accepted, I found myself standing in an office full of unfamiliar faces. It’s been crazy.
I get to work at eight-thirty – I leave at five. Thirty minutes for lunch, no cell phones, no window, just my cubicle and a lot of things I don’t understand how to do. I don’t have computer access yet so half the time I have nothing to do. I feel like I bug Brenda constantly for stuff to work on, but what else am I supposed to do? I’m probably the youngest in the office and it feels very strange. I often feel under qualified and overwhelmed when I think about my workload and all the things I’m supposed to be learning. Brenda is trying to teach me but often assumes I should know stuff I don’t. She has this manual she wrote that she said should be my “bible.” But quite frankly, I can’t understand it. I’m not a read and learn person anyway. It’s the kind of job that needs to be taught hands on but no one seems to have time to just teach. Plus not being able to log into my own system doesn’t help any.
When I finally get home at night, I’m quite often just exhausted. Twice this week I’ve eaten and crawled into bed to watch a movie. I haven’t been up past ten all week. I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to see people, and I don’t even want to think. My brain is just mush.
I can’t understand how people do this and have time or energy for a relationship. I don’t even want to spend time with myself when I get home—let alone someone else. I literally come home with barely the motivation to cook dinner. I hope it gets better soon. I can’t spend the rest of my life like this.
I should have stayed in school forever. Even though I was one of the “lucky ones” to actually have found a job in this economy before I graduated, doesn’t mean it’s all it’s cracked up to be. Sure the money will be good, I just can’t believe this is what I’ll be doing for the rest of my life.
It’s funny how well I thought I knew myself, and then I graduated. I learned more about where my personality comes from in a weekend with my family then I have my whole life. My mother makes me needy and controlling. My father gives me my “planner” genes. And in the midst of all these new realizations, I still feel lost. I barely know myself. I know what I’ve loved the past almost four years because it’s been all I’ve known. I’ve been safe, spoon fed and blindly unaware of just how the rest of the world operates. I feel so naïve and yet, so exposed. It’s a confusing thought really.
So to all soon to be grads I say- stay in school. It’s not worth it.
